Purgatory

I’ll be straight. The place I work is full of negativity. Every day there is something new in the bad news pile. Last week, the death of a student. Last month, the most caring teacher this school has seen was not brought back after being laid off. Seeing people who don’t give a crap about what goes on with the students that they are in charge of is aggravating to say the least.

Today was my first day back in the middle school classroom. It is a big adjustment for me, going from high school Biology and Environmental Science to middle school Physical and Life Science, English, History, and Math. Yes, Math. The pressure to contain what comes out of my mouth and bring myself back down to the middle school level as opposed to talking to 19-20 year old students is immense.

I am stressed out. It is evident by the amount of nail biting I have been doing. I have had to relearn how to teach middle school, learn the habits and idiosyncrasies of my new students, and figure out what a function is.

I am one of those people who plans, has things worked out, is prepared for what is going to happen. I have been thrown into a situation where I don’t know what is going to happen next. It is a scary place to be. I am trying to bring my students happiness, but it is difficult when decisions have been made that affect my ability to do that.

My writing has always reflected how I felt on any given day. Hopefully tomorrow it will be more cheerful. Hopefully tomorrow better decisions will be made.

Crash like a wave

I don’t remember the first time I discovered a magical place. But I do know of a few. Maybe they won’t bring magic into your life, but the feeling I get when I am at these places, it’s amazing. It’s as if the whole world disappears and there is just me and this place, this huge, ever-changing world that was made just for me to explore. This place with all of it’s out of place belongings---things that should be in one box, but during the move got placed in the wrong room. It all ends up being ok, because I like it the way it is, out of place and all. My places are places to be explored, territories that are ready to be discovered, but not rearranged. My places are fine the way they are.

My mind has been absent lately. A lot has happened to make my thoughts run so wild that they seemed to have run away to their own magical places.
I got married. I know, right? As unplanned and last minute as it was, well, yeah, I have no excuse for that. I told my mom the night before. Everyone else found out the next morning, some not until 2 hours before, and many not until after. We tried to do the courthouse thing, but they told us it was a 2 week wait. Huh? Is it not the point of the courthouse wedding to do it the same day? No one was even there! Whatever. We ended up getting married in a little wedding chapel, and it couldn’t have been better (so there, courthouse!). We were surrounded by our families, and well, all of my “sisters”. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Not even the walking down Ocean Blvd. barefoot in the rain afterwards part!

Early in the morning on December 24 I received a phone call from my sister that there was an emergency and I needed to come get Aubrey. Jarod fell and had severe brain trauma and was going into surgery.

Great plans for the holidays were put on hold as we waited to hear of any progress that Jarod made. Sadly, we said goodbye to him four days into the New Year. In his death, people were both brought together and torn apart. Jarod affected each of us in his own special way and we will always remember the good times that we had.
There are many other things that have happened since my last blog. Part of me is telling me to write them, but my mind is telling them to let them get lost in their magical place.

As for life today, I’m alive. I’m trying to get my students to discover their magical places to be explored for the rest of their lives. Places that bring them joy and peace and happiness. I have even introduced them to and told them about a few of my magical places, willing to share with them the amazing feelings of wonderment that come from those places. I am moving into new, unchartered magical places now, in hopes of being delighted by what I find.

Sometimes the wave needs to crash.

these will be the best memories

Once upon a time on an April 20th afternoon, I sat in the back porch room at the Studebaker house with my brother Jarod. Maybe it was more than once. Maybe it has been every April 20th for the past 5 or 6 years. When Jarod left us in January, I thought about the things I would miss...the things that would remind me of him. I never thought that April 20th would be one of those things. It’s the little memories that make a big impact. I miss you brother.

This years harvest

389 years ago complete strangers got together and shared a meal of thanks for a bountiful harvest. Or maybe something else. I’m not a historian, so I don’t want to pretend to pick apart Thanksgiving to find out what it really meant. My harvest this year has been plentiful. There were good fruits and bad, but that’s ok. I’ve learned to toss the bad fruits into the compost pile in hopes to get better fruit from their decomposed remains. I am thankful for all of it. The good, the bad, the downright ugly. And trust me, there has been a lot of ugly. It’s been a year of rallying.

I think the biggest highlight of this year is my niece. She was blessed with an extra chromosome that has touched each member of my family in a different way. There was excitement, fear, sadness, joy, and a lot of learning. Buddy Walk fundraising that raised well over $1000 without even trying. Plans for next years walk, team names, shirts, and fundraising ideas. Seeing my niece smile and laugh amazes me each and every time, knowing that she has gone through so much. But she can rally.



I got a job. I honestly love my job. It’s awesome; amazing. My classroom has steel security doors and deadbolts. And you know what? It excites me that there are a few students who REALLY do care to learn. There have been good days and bad. There have been perfect scores and complete failures, but in the end, there were learning lessons. I credit my 4 month old niece for teaching my students about chromosomes and genetic abnormalities. She can’t talk, but oh the things I imagine that she has to say…amazing!

I have guided my students through their friends and family members being murdered, incarcerated, MIA. I have guided young girls through the end of pregnancies, raising babies, I have been the first to know they were pregnant. What an amazing thing that is. The joy, the fear, the unknown. Creating a whole new science program, being in charge of the whole department at my school, having veteran teachers come to me for my opinion, I have all of this at work. I love it. I love that I can be sick, saddened, exhausted, about to cry, only to have my principal give a shoulder to lean on, asking if I need anything. My Response? “I can rally.” Those words seem to make everything better.

I got engaged! Who thought that would ever happen?! Seriously. Now we just have to wait for actually getting married. Haha! Anyone want to plan my wedding?

I sit here listening to Christmas music, tired from the plentiful Thanksgiving meal shared with family and friends, feeling fortunate for the good fruits in my life. I am thankful for the bad things and the ugly things that have taught me enough about life to know that I can let them crumble and fall to pieces and turn them into something good.

This year has been a year of deconstruction, of starting new. This years fire is slowly dying. Next years fire holds untouched knowledge, a newness only to be ignited when ready. Next year we will let the ugly be overcome by good. We will rally.

Being an aunt is awesome!

Nieces and nephews are the best. At least mine are.


My niece is almost 3 weeks old. On her 2 week birthday she rolled over from her back to stomach! I have a feeling she is going to be strong like her dad and smart like her mom. And maybe cool like me. An aunt can always hope, right?
Aubrey is my little angel. From the second I saw her after she was born I loved her so much. Today we found out that she will need open heart surgery in a few months to fix 2 defects. As for now, she is doing great...just working on growing big so she can teach all of us what life is all about. I can't wait until she is old enough so that I can teach her all sorts of fun stuff!


My nephew on the other hand is already a handful. He's 9 months going on giant. Just not the green giant. My sister tried to feed him peas the other day and he told her "NO". A few days ago I got the chance to kidnap him for a few hours and let me tell you, he gave me a run for my money! Once he woke up for his nap and had his 2nd lunch, he was all over the place. We let him play on the bed with Aubrey for a while (I took him to visit his cousin), and while she did nothing but sleep, Nocchi wrestled with Jordan and pushed him off the bed! Then he bounced in his bouncer forever! It was impossible to get a clear picture of him! Lucky for his mom and dad, I dropped him off as a sleepy, worn-out little boy!

I am so blessed to have these kids in my life!

I'm an auntie...again!!!!!

Aubrey Linda Marie Eash was born on July 3rd (the day I picked!) at 7:25 at night. Congrats to Mindy and Jordan for bringing such a beautiful little girl into this world! I'm such a proud auntie! I love her so much!

Head Above the Clouds

I have been busy lately. I haven’t really done much, but my time seems to have disappeared. I started a new job this week. It takes me 25 minutes to get there and 1 hour 45 minutes to get home. Apparently that is how LA traffic works. I hate the drive, but I think the job will be worth it. Plus it will be really good for my resumѐ. I am glad it is just for the summer though, because this waking up at 4:30 in the morning thing is nonsense. My whole week has been nonsense. For that matter, I actually have to teach nonsense at work. Umm…yeah.

So I am getting married. I have 5 million ideas in my head about it and only like two make any sense. Can someone please just make decisions for me and set it all up so I just have to show up? “It’s my day…y’all don’t matter!” Sorry, I was watching Bridezillas the other day and one of the girls actually said that. I’m thinking late next summer. Maybe early next summer. Maybe in 2 years. HA!

Apparently that is where all my time has gone. Wedding planning. Although sadly, nothing has actually been planned. Except maybe one thing. Maybe. Maybe not. It’s not going to be too big. It’s not going to be a huge party. There will be champagne. This is me we are talking about. Actually, I might have to retract the party comment, because we all know that when Heidi meets champagne there is no good to be done. And you know, maybe it will be too big. So really, the only set in stone plan in champagne. Lots of champagne. And then maybe some more for mimosas the next morning. That sounds about right.

Mimosas are always right. So am I.